New Beginnings...

Pre-School Graduation 2003

I always knew this day would come.  I’ve been preparing for it for eighteen years, so I’m not sure why it feels surprising right now. Every day for the last few weeks, as I’ve watched my newly independent, slightly mouthy high-school senior leave my house, I’ve shed more than a few tears.  It’s not like he’s leaving the planet.  He’s just graduating and going to college…..just 45 minutes away.

            Transitions and new beginnings are like Hallmark commercials; doesn’t matter what they are, but they bring me to tears.  Saying good-bye to a special time, knowing it will never be repeated, is heartbreaking.  I’ve done it so many times in my life that I’ve learned to do it quickly and move on to the next step and find the positivity in it.  This one is a little harder.  The gut-puncher here is I’ve just completed the most important thing I’ll ever do.  For the last twenty years, I’ve meticulously and lovingly prepared and planned and cooked and cleaned.  I’ve co-parented two challenging, intelligent, curious boys who have brought their share of hard decisions. I’ve been the heart of my family; the problem-fixer; the boo-boo kisser; the broken-heart mender.  All these years, my job as Mom has been to create little people who can grow up to be big people who can take care of themselves.  Now that they can, it’s left me a little broken hearted.

            I’ve been reminded that our job as a parent is to raise our children to leave us. This is the first time in my life I’m devastated by a job well done. However, as I wipe my tears, I remind myself that while my little one goes off to become the person he is meant to be, he is not the only one graduating next week.  I am also off to take the next step in my journey here.  While my main Mom duties will change, it’s an opportunity to reinvent Me.  What makes Me happy? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Maybe I’ll find a new hobby?  Travel somewhere off the beaten path. Take up cooking classes with my Honey. I’ve started and stopped many careers while being a wife and mother but in the end I always chose to put my family first.  It’s exciting to figure out what my new life will look like. I have no idea what that looks like today, but I’m excited to figure it out.  I guess we’re all growing up.

Nobody Puts Dena in the Corner

For anyone who actually reads my positivity diary/blog – I am BAAAAACK!  I had to take a month off while I was recuperating from surgery – painkillers and cohesive thoughts don’t work well together. 

We all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses.  I’m the first to admit that idleness is not my friend, and I can be impatient and stubborn.  On the plus side, I almost always greet every day with a smile and take on challenges with optimism.  This past month, I’ve combined my weaknesses and strengths and am happy to report I’ve come out on the winning end.

Discovering that I needed a hip arthroscopy at my age was a huge bummer and, while I was not excited about the pain I would ensue for the coming months, it was the lack of independence and immobility that shook me to my core.  I’m claustrophobic by nature.  I hate airplanes, elevators and any small space I am not allowed to quickly exit.  Being trapped in my own body is literally the thing I’m most afraid of….and knowing this would go on for up to six months is a mind torture I can’t put into words.  I knew if I was going to get through this I would have to be very strategic.

The first few post-op days were a bit of a blur (thank you, drugs) but even through my haze I knew from the get-go that if I had a chance of getting through this with sanity, I had to find a way to pull out all my positivity.  I focused on gratitude.  The support of my family was overwhelming. I was so grateful to have help, as I literally couldn’t move at all.  My family did absolutely everything for me and they did it with love and grace.  I was also grateful that I had the luxury of convalescing at home and not in a rehab facility.  I focused on the change in my physical pain.  I could finally envision a life without chronic pain. There was instant relief after surgery.  Yes, it was replaced by surgical pain, but it was such a relief! I told myself to just keep it together and push through the coming weeks.

For someone like me, who doesn't like to ask for help, it's an out-of-body experience to need help to do absolutely everything.  I'm fiercely independent and I was worried what being bed-ridden would do to my metal health.  As challenging as it sometimes was, I refused to have a pity-party.  As soon as I could move I got dressed (with help) and put on make up and left the house like a real lady. Pain be damned- take me to lunch!  Human beings are social creatures, and isolation is breeding grounds for depression.  I wasn’t even giving that a chance.

Ever the over-achiever, I have never been content to do anything half-assed.  I began physical therapy right away.  I do exercises every day in between and I ask for more and more so we can get this show on the road. I am now one month post-op and I still have a long way to go, but I have made HUGE strides.  I’m way ahead of schedule with my physical expectations; I can walk without crutches.  My goal is to attend my son’s graduation next month without a brace and no crutches and I’m feeling positive I’ll get there. 

The impatient side of me is “soooo over this” - I miss jumping in the car and going wherever I want on a whim.  It’s still a bummer to wake up with discomfort and physical limits but I’m still focusing on how much I’m moving forward.  Through this process, I’ve been forced to slow down. I’ve been forced to stay put.  Slowing down is a positive thing sometimes.  I pay more attention to the conversations I am having.  I read with more intent. I pay attention to detail.  I make conscious choices to be happy and positive and grateful.  But don’t get me wrong, I am in a HURRY to heal and be done with this!

Several weeks into my PT I met a young man, “L,”  who was learning to walk again after being paralyzed for three years.  He was literally trapped in his body for three years and here he was holding the door of the elevator for me one day, one hand stabilizing himself on his walker, and one hand holding the door for me.  We started talking and I was so impressed with his positive attitude and zest for life.  He wanted no pity for his situation, nor did he expect help.  A man after my own heart!   I also met an amazing elderly woman in PT who broke both of her kneecaps.  She must be well into her 80s but nothing is slowing her down. She, and “L” exercise with me every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and we are all determined to recover.  We always greet each other with smiles and encouragement and I say the same thing each time…..”Wanna race?”

Month of Positivity...

I will be taking a month-long hiatus from writing this blog to recover from surgery. I will be back mid-May. This will be my ultimate test. How positive will I be while in pain and unable to get up and go as I please?  For a mover and shaker like me, it will take immense control. I will remind myself daily that living a positive life is not always an easy choice but it's the right choice and it's worth the effort. See you in a month!

I Did Not Wake Up Today To Be Mediocre...

I was doing some research the other day and came across a quote that just stuck in my head. “I did not wake up today to be mediocre.”  I just love that.  It’s so true.  The time we are given is just that – it’s a gift – so why not give it all ya’ got? What’s the point in giving the world half of you, or just a taste.  I promise you have something huge to share with the world. Show up.  Show up big.  Greatness comes with effort and we all have it in us if we just get out of our own way. Make it count.

I was talking to someone going through a tough time yesterday, and he felt like he wasn’t really sure of his purpose in the world. He wasn’t sure what he was good at, or what value he had to share with others. I think a lot of people feel that way sometimes, but if you take out all the noise (job, school, family) and sit with yourself, I think you will find there is a gem ready to sparkle, but you have to value it and you have to utilize it with boldness every day. This particular person has an infectious smile and an ability to make other people happy with his joy. What a gift to give to the world.

I do not plan to live a mediocre life. Even in my stereotypical, suburban life, I don’t need to settle for “easy” or settle for “good enough.” Every thing I do, and everything I give should be with my whole heart. I may not be working in the rat race anymore, and my kids are grown and almost flown. In years, my life is likely half over, but I am not even close to done in uncovering my potential.  I haven’t yet discovered the adventure that awaits me next, but I’m “simply positive” I am going to give it all I have.

NOTE:  This blog will be on hiatus for weeks as I recover from surgery.  I POSITIVELY look forward to writing again soon!  xox

My Attitude for Gratitude

Last week a lot of people lost power due to crazy storms and high winds.  We are still half-way through Winter here in Michigan, so being without power is a big deal. There was a story on the evening news about a little, old woman who was living with no power or heat for close to a week.  She lived alone and suffered from COPD. She was on her last tank of oxygen.  She was cold and bundled up in multiple layers of coats and scarves. She had no family to turn to for help.  She was scared, but most of all, she was grateful to have a roof over her head.  She was grateful for the snow on her porch, so she had somewhere to store her food. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been a pain in the ass.

As many of you know, I’ve dealing with what I refer to as “some physical bullshit” and have been ordered off my feet for a bit.  Being homebound is not easy for someone with a lot of energy and I'd be lying if I said I was always cheerful about it.  Since I saw this story on the news, it was a great reminder to be grateful.  What I’m going through is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of life.  So many people have real suffering in the world. So many people don’t have others to help them or care for them.  I am in no position to complain when I have so much to be grateful for. 

I'm not sure how, or why I stopped morning meditation, but I think I'm going to try hard to get back into the groove.  Starting your day with intention is really a gift to yourself. Checking in with yourself and what your needs are is a beautiful thing; it's also important to check in with yourself to see what you are supposed to be giving back to the world around you.  What are you holding back? 

This week I’m taking special care to pay attention to each and every person that makes an impact on my life. I don't want to take it for granted that I have so many loving souls around me, working hard to make my life better or easier. I don't want to forget to tell my children that I love them, or that my friends mean the world to me. You never know when, or if, you will have a chance to tell someone they’ve made a difference to you, so what are you waiting for? The people in our lives are gifts and I do believe they are there for a reason. You might think they are little gifts, but sometimes, they turn into the biggest ones.  (So, super Shout Out to my neighbors and friends, the Pesicks - who lent me their lazy boy chair.  Yes, it was just sitting in their basement, and they probably think this is no big deal, but for someone who can't sit on the couch and can rarely sleep in a bed these days, this is a HUGE deal to me.  THANK YOU!)  (AND Second Shout Out to my Partner in Crime, Sherry, who has become my personal shopper - you are the BEST!) Okay since I'm on a roll, let me thank my incredible, amazing Mother-in-Law, who drops her world at any sign of my needs - who woke up at the crack of dawn to spend the day at the hospital with me for testing last week.  And let's not forget my handsome, partner in crime, David, who does absolutely everything for me and doesn't complain - EVER - yesterday, after doing every chore imaginable, he still managed to bring me my favorite breakfast (avocado toast! YUM!). I know this is just as hard on you as it is on me and I'm soooo appreciative. Okay, sorry, this blog is getting out of control now.....what I'm trying to say is, Pay attention to your gifts and start each day with a grateful heart – I am “simply positive” it’s a key to a happy life.

Hello, My Name is People Pleaser

Like any artful masterpiece, we humans are a work in progress.  Every day is an opportunity to pay attention to the things that cause us, or others harm, and to take action in becoming the best versions of ourselves.  I spend a lot of time thinking about other people, which is one of the virtues of which I’m most proud.  It is also one of the things that cause trouble.  Putting others needs before my own is instinctive, and not drawn by a need to be liked.  It’s important to me to keep a peaceful surrounding – to keep everyone around me happy and calm.

Being a “people pleaser” is not always a wonderful trait.  It may seem selfless and generous, but it has caused me to put myself in uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous situations.  When I was in middle school, a girl I barely new had her purse stolen at the library we were both studying in.  I was so angry for her that I ran after the perp into a dangerous area to get it back.  I gave no thought to my surroundings, or what would happen if, and when I actually caught up to the guy.  I missed him and we eventually called the police, but my instinct to help overtook rationality. 

Most people think being a people pleaser is a good thing.  For me, it’s been more of a curse.  It takes everything I have to put my needs first and when I do, it is a sweet victory.  This past year, I’ve been putting a lot of effort into the things I need to work on and one of those things, is putting myself first. I’ve taken time off from the rat-race to grieve the loss of my parents; I’ve said “no” to social engagements I knew would not bring joy; I’ve let go of toxic relationships.  This past week I was especially proud of myself when I put a stop to a medical test that terrified me. I was close to a panic attack when I realized the only reason I was going through with it was because I felt bad for the technicians and doctors that were prepped and ready for me.  It took everything I had to stop and listen to myself and put a stop to it.  I was morbidly embarrassed and felt terrible but in the end, I was really proud of myself for putting my needs first. 

While I’m working hard to put myself first these days, I’m still the girl who will bring you soup when you are sick or be your shoulder to cry on when you are sad.  I’m
“simply positive” that I can kick my “people pleasing” habit without losing who I am at heart.

Here are some great tips for People-Pleasers ready for a change:

1. Make peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like you—and actually, that’s okay.

2. Learn to say no in a way that feels okay to you. (No making excuses allowed!)

3. Accept that you will feel guilty when you say no to something the first few times.

4. Start setting some boundaries.

5. Let go of the people who use your people pleaser tendencies on purpose.

(List by Claire Hogsdon – TinyBudha.com)

Good Sportsmanship is Elementary, my dear President!

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about good sportsmanship.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve been super competitive.  I remember in elementary school being so excited to run a relay, that I didn’t pay any attention to our gym teacher’s instruction.  When he blew the whistle, I just took off.  Realizing I was a good length ahead of my peers, I was so proud of myself…until I realized I had no idea which way we were supposed to run.  I ended up taking us around our school a good half-mile longer than we needed to run and my classmates were not too thrilled.  I learned that day that you could lose the same race you win.  Being a good teammate and a good sport is more important than almost anything else.  Even my third-grade self was able to grasp the concept.  It’s been baffling me all week how the leader of our country missed this school playground fundamental.

It’s Elementary, my dear President…no one likes a Bully, no one likes a Cry Baby and no one likes a Bad Sport.  This past week, watching He Who Shall Not Be Named “take his ball and go home” when it comes to the media has reminded me that it’s important, at any age, to be a good sport.  We can’t always get our way.  We can’t always win. Life is not always going to be fair and sometimes we will work hard for no reward.  It’s called being an adult.  Reading about credible news sources being blocked from press conferences and rhetoric of media brain washing is the epitome of a political temper tantrum.  As adults, we should be reminded that at any age,  sportsmanship plays a role in our daily lives.  How we carry ourselves at work and at play matters.  Any opportunity we have to “play the game” of life with integrity is an opportunity for growth.

Part of growing up means sometimes doing things you don’t want to do, with people you don’t want to be with, and accepting you control your own actions and not necessarily those of others.  Our president’s decision that the media is not relevant because he feels attacked is not only embarrassing, but is putting our democracy at risk.  Refusing to attend the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is not a strategic move of strength. It is bad sportsmanship in neon letters.  If you are still in training pants, I think it’s acceptable to throw a tantrum; if you are a world leader, I’m afraid it’s time to grow up. I’m “simply positive” his bad example for our country will serve as exactly that.