Life is Cooler When You Chill the $(#% Out

Two steps forward, one step back...no I am not enjoying 80s Paula Abdul tunes, but reminding myself that recovering from this surgery is going to take longer than I want it to...and I need to chill the $%)*#$ out.    Last week I just wasn't feeling in the mood to write about anything as my hip recovery took a little setback, but here I am again...the weeble wobble that won't fall down!  I promised myself in the beginning of all of this that I would start each day with gratitude and positivity and not be so impatient physically.  The important lesson about last week was I was forced to slow down and rest and reflect on the importance of that.  It's important to relax and even more important to learn how to  "roll with it" because things don't always go as planned. Lucky for me, "roll with it" is my middle name.  This wasn't always the case.

You know how theoretically you are sometimes asked "what advice would you give your younger self?"  My advice would be to chill the #%*(&%) out.  As a teen and young adult I was so tightly wound, so easily annoyed, so impatient and overly ambitious.  Maybe we all are?!  Now in my 40s I have the luxury of knowing exactly who I am, what the world does NOT owe me, and the real reason I'm here on this earth.  It's given me an unimaginable sense of peace.  It allows me to slow down and just be.  It allows me to be nicer, to be gracious, to forgive and to just know what battles to pick and what issues to allow under my skin (which are few).

I do not take for granted that I live in America, the land of plenty. I live the suburban life, which I will admit, makes this "roll with it" attitude a little bit easier to adopt.  I appreciate that every single day.  On the flip side of this positivity and happiness, it may shock you that I sometimes feel deep sadness and guilt that I live this life.  I sometimes wonder why I was chosen to receive this life while so many people in the world are hurting and suffering.  I'm not saying I've never had pain or heartbreak or hardship, but overall, I sometimes feel like my life is too easy - that I don't work hard enough at it.  It is something I think about every day, but I think that is a good thing.  Appreciate what you have.  I cannot change what is happening in the world, or save every person I meet suffering in the streets, but what I can do, is use my "roll with it" attitude to keep me sane and happy and to spread love and happiness.  You can do it, too.

When I walked into a restaurant last month on crutches and in a brace and a man in front of me didn't hold the door for me, I laughed.  I thought he must be deep in thought or perhaps just self-centered, but it didn't make me angry at all.  When the inconsiderate driver next to me opened his car door into mine, putting a dent into my mid-life crisis sports car, I sighed.  I laughed as I left a note for him asking him to be a gentleman and do the right thing, knowing full well I would never hear from him.  I let it go as soon as it happened because it's "just a car" -- just not that big a deal.  Empathy, humor, kindness and patience will trump your matching nastiness for nastiness. Every single time you interact with another human being, make that interaction memorable or meaningful or sweet.  People are in such a rush - they are so self-centered - what can you do for someone else today?    So the next time someone is in a rush at the grocery store, let them cut the line.  The rude driver that wants to cut you off in traffic? Let him pass you - who cares?   Your friend is profusely apologizing for being late to dinner? Remind them that you love them and there are MUCH bigger problems in the world.  Just relaxxxxxxxx.  I am simply positive it will make your life so much sweeter!

Today I'm Proud of Me...and That's OK!

I'm posting a day early this week because on Sunday I will be busy attending my baby boy's high school graduation.  I am beyond proud of all that he has accomplished in his almost eighteen years of life.  Yes, he is a smart kid.  Yes, he has worked hard, but really what I'm most proud of is that he is leaving the nest with an incredibly strong morale compass, an intense and fierce loyalty for those he cares for and a curiosity and passion for the things that spark his interest.  He's a nice person - willing to give people the benefit of the doubt; willing to lend a helping hand; and in most cases willing to give the shirt off his back.  That, to me, is more important than any of his academic accomplishments.

As mothers we struggle to find a balance between pushing and pulling.  We want our children to grow and succeed, yet we hover to protect and shield from the hardships of life.  I realize that today I am not done being a mother, nor do I want to be, but somehow I feel an immense pride in realizing that I've come out on the winning side.  Sure there were bumps in the road, and it was sometimes messy and scary and frustrating, but it was also overwhelmingly rewarding and full of a love it is literally impossible to put into words.  Today I am not just proud of my son.  I am proud of myself.  Why is that such a hard thing for people to say?  Can you think of ten things about yourself that you are proud of?  Can you even write them down?  I tried it and it was actually uncomfortable.  Why is that? I am positive that this is something we should be more cognizant of. It's okay - no - it is healthy to be proud of your accomplishments. It is healthy to be proud of who you are!

As I was leaving an appointment today, someone congratulated me on the upcoming weekend, and I realized he meant the "collective we" and not just my son.  It was the first time I stopped to think about the accomplishment as a whole.  It made me laugh for a second but then it hit me on a deeper level. Raising children has been the hardest thing I've ever done.  And I did it.  And I did it well.  And I'm proud of that.  And I am proud that I'm proud of that.

New Beginnings...

Pre-School Graduation 2003

I always knew this day would come.  I’ve been preparing for it for eighteen years, so I’m not sure why it feels surprising right now. Every day for the last few weeks, as I’ve watched my newly independent, slightly mouthy high-school senior leave my house, I’ve shed more than a few tears.  It’s not like he’s leaving the planet.  He’s just graduating and going to college…..just 45 minutes away.

            Transitions and new beginnings are like Hallmark commercials; doesn’t matter what they are, but they bring me to tears.  Saying good-bye to a special time, knowing it will never be repeated, is heartbreaking.  I’ve done it so many times in my life that I’ve learned to do it quickly and move on to the next step and find the positivity in it.  This one is a little harder.  The gut-puncher here is I’ve just completed the most important thing I’ll ever do.  For the last twenty years, I’ve meticulously and lovingly prepared and planned and cooked and cleaned.  I’ve co-parented two challenging, intelligent, curious boys who have brought their share of hard decisions. I’ve been the heart of my family; the problem-fixer; the boo-boo kisser; the broken-heart mender.  All these years, my job as Mom has been to create little people who can grow up to be big people who can take care of themselves.  Now that they can, it’s left me a little broken hearted.

            I’ve been reminded that our job as a parent is to raise our children to leave us. This is the first time in my life I’m devastated by a job well done. However, as I wipe my tears, I remind myself that while my little one goes off to become the person he is meant to be, he is not the only one graduating next week.  I am also off to take the next step in my journey here.  While my main Mom duties will change, it’s an opportunity to reinvent Me.  What makes Me happy? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Maybe I’ll find a new hobby?  Travel somewhere off the beaten path. Take up cooking classes with my Honey. I’ve started and stopped many careers while being a wife and mother but in the end I always chose to put my family first.  It’s exciting to figure out what my new life will look like. I have no idea what that looks like today, but I’m excited to figure it out.  I guess we’re all growing up.

Nobody Puts Dena in the Corner

For anyone who actually reads my positivity diary/blog – I am BAAAAACK!  I had to take a month off while I was recuperating from surgery – painkillers and cohesive thoughts don’t work well together. 

We all have our strengths and we all have our weaknesses.  I’m the first to admit that idleness is not my friend, and I can be impatient and stubborn.  On the plus side, I almost always greet every day with a smile and take on challenges with optimism.  This past month, I’ve combined my weaknesses and strengths and am happy to report I’ve come out on the winning end.

Discovering that I needed a hip arthroscopy at my age was a huge bummer and, while I was not excited about the pain I would ensue for the coming months, it was the lack of independence and immobility that shook me to my core.  I’m claustrophobic by nature.  I hate airplanes, elevators and any small space I am not allowed to quickly exit.  Being trapped in my own body is literally the thing I’m most afraid of….and knowing this would go on for up to six months is a mind torture I can’t put into words.  I knew if I was going to get through this I would have to be very strategic.

The first few post-op days were a bit of a blur (thank you, drugs) but even through my haze I knew from the get-go that if I had a chance of getting through this with sanity, I had to find a way to pull out all my positivity.  I focused on gratitude.  The support of my family was overwhelming. I was so grateful to have help, as I literally couldn’t move at all.  My family did absolutely everything for me and they did it with love and grace.  I was also grateful that I had the luxury of convalescing at home and not in a rehab facility.  I focused on the change in my physical pain.  I could finally envision a life without chronic pain. There was instant relief after surgery.  Yes, it was replaced by surgical pain, but it was such a relief! I told myself to just keep it together and push through the coming weeks.

For someone like me, who doesn't like to ask for help, it's an out-of-body experience to need help to do absolutely everything.  I'm fiercely independent and I was worried what being bed-ridden would do to my metal health.  As challenging as it sometimes was, I refused to have a pity-party.  As soon as I could move I got dressed (with help) and put on make up and left the house like a real lady. Pain be damned- take me to lunch!  Human beings are social creatures, and isolation is breeding grounds for depression.  I wasn’t even giving that a chance.

Ever the over-achiever, I have never been content to do anything half-assed.  I began physical therapy right away.  I do exercises every day in between and I ask for more and more so we can get this show on the road. I am now one month post-op and I still have a long way to go, but I have made HUGE strides.  I’m way ahead of schedule with my physical expectations; I can walk without crutches.  My goal is to attend my son’s graduation next month without a brace and no crutches and I’m feeling positive I’ll get there. 

The impatient side of me is “soooo over this” - I miss jumping in the car and going wherever I want on a whim.  It’s still a bummer to wake up with discomfort and physical limits but I’m still focusing on how much I’m moving forward.  Through this process, I’ve been forced to slow down. I’ve been forced to stay put.  Slowing down is a positive thing sometimes.  I pay more attention to the conversations I am having.  I read with more intent. I pay attention to detail.  I make conscious choices to be happy and positive and grateful.  But don’t get me wrong, I am in a HURRY to heal and be done with this!

Several weeks into my PT I met a young man, “L,”  who was learning to walk again after being paralyzed for three years.  He was literally trapped in his body for three years and here he was holding the door of the elevator for me one day, one hand stabilizing himself on his walker, and one hand holding the door for me.  We started talking and I was so impressed with his positive attitude and zest for life.  He wanted no pity for his situation, nor did he expect help.  A man after my own heart!   I also met an amazing elderly woman in PT who broke both of her kneecaps.  She must be well into her 80s but nothing is slowing her down. She, and “L” exercise with me every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and we are all determined to recover.  We always greet each other with smiles and encouragement and I say the same thing each time…..”Wanna race?”

Month of Positivity...

I will be taking a month-long hiatus from writing this blog to recover from surgery. I will be back mid-May. This will be my ultimate test. How positive will I be while in pain and unable to get up and go as I please?  For a mover and shaker like me, it will take immense control. I will remind myself daily that living a positive life is not always an easy choice but it's the right choice and it's worth the effort. See you in a month!

I Did Not Wake Up Today To Be Mediocre...

I was doing some research the other day and came across a quote that just stuck in my head. “I did not wake up today to be mediocre.”  I just love that.  It’s so true.  The time we are given is just that – it’s a gift – so why not give it all ya’ got? What’s the point in giving the world half of you, or just a taste.  I promise you have something huge to share with the world. Show up.  Show up big.  Greatness comes with effort and we all have it in us if we just get out of our own way. Make it count.

I was talking to someone going through a tough time yesterday, and he felt like he wasn’t really sure of his purpose in the world. He wasn’t sure what he was good at, or what value he had to share with others. I think a lot of people feel that way sometimes, but if you take out all the noise (job, school, family) and sit with yourself, I think you will find there is a gem ready to sparkle, but you have to value it and you have to utilize it with boldness every day. This particular person has an infectious smile and an ability to make other people happy with his joy. What a gift to give to the world.

I do not plan to live a mediocre life. Even in my stereotypical, suburban life, I don’t need to settle for “easy” or settle for “good enough.” Every thing I do, and everything I give should be with my whole heart. I may not be working in the rat race anymore, and my kids are grown and almost flown. In years, my life is likely half over, but I am not even close to done in uncovering my potential.  I haven’t yet discovered the adventure that awaits me next, but I’m “simply positive” I am going to give it all I have.

NOTE:  This blog will be on hiatus for weeks as I recover from surgery.  I POSITIVELY look forward to writing again soon!  xox

My Attitude for Gratitude

Last week a lot of people lost power due to crazy storms and high winds.  We are still half-way through Winter here in Michigan, so being without power is a big deal. There was a story on the evening news about a little, old woman who was living with no power or heat for close to a week.  She lived alone and suffered from COPD. She was on her last tank of oxygen.  She was cold and bundled up in multiple layers of coats and scarves. She had no family to turn to for help.  She was scared, but most of all, she was grateful to have a roof over her head.  She was grateful for the snow on her porch, so she had somewhere to store her food. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been a pain in the ass.

As many of you know, I’ve dealing with what I refer to as “some physical bullshit” and have been ordered off my feet for a bit.  Being homebound is not easy for someone with a lot of energy and I'd be lying if I said I was always cheerful about it.  Since I saw this story on the news, it was a great reminder to be grateful.  What I’m going through is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of life.  So many people have real suffering in the world. So many people don’t have others to help them or care for them.  I am in no position to complain when I have so much to be grateful for. 

I'm not sure how, or why I stopped morning meditation, but I think I'm going to try hard to get back into the groove.  Starting your day with intention is really a gift to yourself. Checking in with yourself and what your needs are is a beautiful thing; it's also important to check in with yourself to see what you are supposed to be giving back to the world around you.  What are you holding back? 

This week I’m taking special care to pay attention to each and every person that makes an impact on my life. I don't want to take it for granted that I have so many loving souls around me, working hard to make my life better or easier. I don't want to forget to tell my children that I love them, or that my friends mean the world to me. You never know when, or if, you will have a chance to tell someone they’ve made a difference to you, so what are you waiting for? The people in our lives are gifts and I do believe they are there for a reason. You might think they are little gifts, but sometimes, they turn into the biggest ones.  (So, super Shout Out to my neighbors and friends, the Pesicks - who lent me their lazy boy chair.  Yes, it was just sitting in their basement, and they probably think this is no big deal, but for someone who can't sit on the couch and can rarely sleep in a bed these days, this is a HUGE deal to me.  THANK YOU!)  (AND Second Shout Out to my Partner in Crime, Sherry, who has become my personal shopper - you are the BEST!) Okay since I'm on a roll, let me thank my incredible, amazing Mother-in-Law, who drops her world at any sign of my needs - who woke up at the crack of dawn to spend the day at the hospital with me for testing last week.  And let's not forget my handsome, partner in crime, David, who does absolutely everything for me and doesn't complain - EVER - yesterday, after doing every chore imaginable, he still managed to bring me my favorite breakfast (avocado toast! YUM!). I know this is just as hard on you as it is on me and I'm soooo appreciative. Okay, sorry, this blog is getting out of control now.....what I'm trying to say is, Pay attention to your gifts and start each day with a grateful heart – I am “simply positive” it’s a key to a happy life.